Not for the faint of mouth

Jonathan Goldsmith would have most likely felt quite comfortable down on Washington Avenue in downtown Houston on Cinco de Mayo this year. Goldsmith is the spokesman for Dos Equis beer in his contrived persona as the Most Interesting Man in the World  (although he portrays a Spaniard, Goldsmith is actually Jewish). Often surrounded by lovely women, his iconic silver beard and penchant for nonchalant adventure (“Sharks have a week dedicated to him”) have set a new level of sophistication for the brand and his “Stay thirsty my friends” quote is immediately recognizable. So why Washington Avenue during the 150th anniversary of Mexico’s Battle of Puebla? Stay curious my friends and read on…

Smorgasbord of edible fear
Dos Equis chose six cities from across the nation (surprisingly three were in Texas), contracted local food trucks, wrapped their vans in promotional XX advertisements and threw down a food challenge—the Feast of the Brave. The food vendors were asked to develop the most outlandish tacos possible and bravery points would be awarded to the participating patrons depending on the level of weirdness they were willing to endure with one city being crowned the winner. The competition would last for a week, ending on May 5. And being a true dumbass, it was a challenge I simply could not refuse.

The six cities were Houston, Austin, Dallas, Miami, Chicago and Los Angeles. For Houston, the H-Town StrEATs food truck was selected with owners Matt Opaleski and Jason Hill inventing four devious culinary calamities: Alligator (10 points), Shark (20), Cricket (30) and Mystery Meat (for a whopping 100  points). Each of the menus varied from city to city. (Miami offered snails and corn fungus for 30 points. Corn fungus? How do you even measure that for a recipe—by the tablespoon or with a microscope and laboratory slide? )

On Cinco de Weirdo, the H-Town taco wagon was scheduled to hit three locations throughout the day. Since I wanted my crickets as fresh as possible, I selected the earliest time, 12:30 lunchtime at Liberty Station located in the Old 6th Ward. This is a great neighborhood watering hole that appears to have once been a service station. By the time I arrived, a line of brave test subjects was already forming. Talking with two spirited imbibers, Brittany and Chloe, they told me they had ordered one taco of each delectable option and that, although they were all ok, the “cricket is just a little too buggy”. Women… it figures. Ya just can’t seem to make ‘em happy. When it was my turn to order, I followed suit and also requested a quartet, one of each please. And to my surprise, they were all free, gratis of the well-meaning folks at Dos Equis. (Well-meaning my ass.)

Gator and Jaws
While it’s not uncommon for me to ride halfway to Louisiana in a search for decent alligator (Al-T’s in Winnie just this side of the Sabine River is one of my favorites), the buttermilk and hot sauce marinade made this cornmeal battered concoction an extra tangy treat. And shark? I’ve been eating shark since my brothers and I were old enough to drag ‘em out of the surf. But this was Mako and grilled with a fruity mango pico de gallo—very good job. Next up, bugs.

Good to the last leg
I’ve been riding motorcycles for more than 40 years and during that time I’ve ingested my fair share of insects. And not once was it intentional. I could not believe I was actually about to eat a Spiced Cricket taco. Prepared with a salsa verde, avocado crema and pickled radishes, the crickets are tossed into a freezer for a few hours to kill them. The back legs are then removed (why just the back ones?) and the cute little bastards are thrown into a skillet with a little hot oil. The result is a taste and consistency equivalent to fried sunflower seeds with the shell left intact, a somewhat nutty flavor with an “almost” crunchiness that quickly fades to mushiness and seems to expand once saliva hits it. What begins as a spoonful is quickly a mouthful, and seems to keep growing until you are forced to swallow the mess before it gets too huge to chew. Not terribly bad but unless dying of starvation on a desert island, not something I’d prepare on purpose. But I ate the whole damn thing. Thirty points never tasted so bad.

Does not taste like chicken
While standing in line to place my order, I’d asked the Dos Equis girls (Chandni, Julie and Victoria) to reveal the secret ingredient in the Mystery Taco. But they had pledged their loyalty to the cause (and obviously a XX paycheck) and would not divulge the classified information (the mystery was scheduled to be revealed the following day on the Dos Equis Facebook page). Not that I really wanted to know since once hearing of the selected delicacy, I’d probably change my mind and blow off this entire blog entry. So don’t tell me and no, I’m not gonna look either. Knowledge of my impending meal at this point would surely be a detriment to conquering the challenge. So after taking several large swigs off a bottle of Dos Equis, I dove into my last taco. Crispy and not at all inedible (much better than those damn crickets) with I what assume were some Tuscan pepperoncinis, soon the Mystery was gone. Julie the XX girl came by to check on me and was amazed that I’d devoured the entire thing. “You actually ate that?” she asked with a grimace. Oh crap, what had I done?

At an adjacent table, another patron volunteered to show me his partially eaten Mystery Taco. He had taken one bite, spit it out and then taken a peek inside. What he revealed had my stomach churning like Steve-O from Jack-Ass, the skinny guy with the terrible gag reflex problem. After peeling back the corn tortilla and sifting through the various condiments and veggies, there lay a dozen baby scorpions about ¾” long, complete with stinger and little baby scorpion pinchers. I was instantly at the Liberty Station bar ordering three shots of tequila. When asked what brand, I answered, “The rankest shit you have.” In my haste to drown the thought of the creatures from my memory, I completely forgot to even snap a photo of the vile vermin.

On my ride home, I swear I could feel the critters scurrying around my stomach, looking for my intestinal escape hatch and eventually my anal evacuation tube. And then, then… I felt a cricket leg caught on the backside of my right tonsil. Gagging and choking, I pulled the Harley to the side of the Interstate, spitting and hacking, trying my damn best to dislodge the varmint’s appendage. And somewhere way south of Houston, maybe around Veracruz, Jonathan Goldman was lying on a beach, laughing to himself and repeating over and over, “We can get ‘dose damn gringos to do anyting.”

—STAY STUPID MY FRIENDS—

Clifford’s  favorite stopover 

Quick,  name three things that have placed Beaumont on the “prominent cities of Texas”  list. If the first thing that comes to mind is Spindletop, very good. On January 10,  1901, Spindletop became the first major oil field in America. How major? From  the discovery of oil at Spindletop in January of that year, Beaumont’s  population grew from 9,000 to 30,000 by March, a mere three months later. That’s black gold progress in a major fashion.

Beaumont’s  second claim to fame is its ability to churn out country and western  mega-stars. George Jones resided in nearby Vidor and began his singing career on a Beaumont radio station. Mark Chesnutt was born in Beaumont and sang as a  member of the Junior High School Choir. Clay Walker was a Beaumont native and  played in local Beaumont clubs with George Jones. Tracy Byrd is from Vidor and  in 1990, he walked into Cutter’s in Beaumont and landed a gig that eventually took him to Nashville. The Crockett Street Entertainment District remains a viable scene with six clubs, two restaurants and an elegant  banquet hall.

The third point of major city pride (at least  in my opinion) may be a little more obscure than the first two but is quite  cool. Take a ride downtown to Walnut Street and there you will find the World’s Largest Fire Hydrant, sorta. Seems at 24-foot  tall, this black & white-spotted treasure use to be the world’s tallest.  Since it’s construction in 1999 two additional fireplugs have risen above the  horizon to surpass this imposing Beaumont beauty. (But we’re not here to talk  about those usurpers.)

To promote a re-release of the animated movie 101 Dalmatians, in 1999 Walt Disney  Video built the World’s Largest Fire Hydrant weighing in at 4,500 lbs. and  capable of blasting 1,500 gallons of H20 per minute. When the promotion ended,  they looked for a place to ditch the edifice. That’s when they stumbled across  the Fire Museum of Texas in Beaumont. The Hydrant  was dedicated in March of 1999 with a lavish extravaganza that included 101  Texas firefighters dancing around the structure to the tune of the movie’s signature song, “Cruella De Vil”. It came to a crescendo when the hydrant  spewed forth water and confetti on the firefighters who were equipped with Dalmatian-spotted  umbrellas. (I cannot make this stuff up—only in Texas.)

The  Hydrant currently holds the title of being the 3^rd largest in the  world and is an eye-catching photo-op for anyone passing through Beaumont. And  in true keeping with the Gordo Texas mantra that travel should not be a costly  experience, the Fire Museum of Texas charges no admission fee. Opening in 1984, it is dedicated to preserving the history of firefighting and is housed in a  working fire station built in 1927. So stayed tuned for a future review of that  particular expense-free tour in a later blog. Until then, next time you’re  traveling through the area, make sure to stop and take a few photos with the  kids, or maybe your big red dog. It’s cool, it’s weird, it’s all Texas.